Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
