You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
