THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
