it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I didn't notice because vodka
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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