I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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