You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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