You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Please don't give away my fajitas
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize