I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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