I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
