I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
