apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
