I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i will never coherently bang her
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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