Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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