just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
