genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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