I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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