I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
50% drunk capacity currently
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Randomize
