I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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