I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
