So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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