He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
