Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
