She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
