if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
