I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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