dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
