I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize