I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The air was thick with penises
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
