Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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