i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
