i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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