For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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