My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
