dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
