She told me I should be a condom model.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
