I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
