i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
