i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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