Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
