Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
