the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
