3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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