Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
