I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
