I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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