I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
