How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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