Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
