Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
