He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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