He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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