Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
