Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
