I will die if light touches me.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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