we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
