i think my tv is drunk
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
