Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
