My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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