If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize