Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
