Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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