I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
