I am puke
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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