How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
