You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
