Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
