I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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