I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
