the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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