I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
